Elijah vs. Prophets of Baal: Cloud Provider Showdown

In the ancient days of DevOps, two rival cloud providers—ElijahCloud and BaalStack—competed for market dominance. Each claimed their deployment pipeline could summon fire to production with a single CLI command.

The Challenge

• BaalStack Devs: Spent hours configuring YAML sacrifices, but their baal deploy --fire command failed with mysterious 504 Gateway Timeout errors. Their support tickets went unanswered, and the logs were full of cryptic warnings about “idol-ware dependencies.”

• ElijahCloud Devs: After mocking their rivals, Elijah ran a single, faith-fueled command:

  elijahcloud deploy --fire --provider=heavenly
  

  Instantly, fire descended on the target environment. The deployment logs read:

  [SUCCESS] Divine fire deployed. All resources consumed. No rollback required.

Performance Metrics

Slack Thread

Channel: #cloud-provider-demo

baal-prophet-1 09:15

Still debugging. Our fire-deployment lambda keeps throwing idol_not_found exceptions.

baal-prophet-2 09:17

Maybe we need more YAML? I can add another 500 lines of configuration…

elijah 09:20

Gentlemen, observe.

elijah 09:21

elijahcloud deploy --fire --provider=heavenly

elijah 09:21

🔥🔥🔥 FIRE DEPLOYED 🔥🔥🔥

baal-prophet-1 09:22

…how?

elijah 09:23

Simple. I use a provider that actually exists.

Postmortem

• Root Cause (BaalStack):
  • Overengineered pipeline.
  • Idol-ware vendor lock-in.
  • Lack of observability and faith-based authentication.
• Root Cause (ElijahCloud):
  • Miraculous faith-driven deployment.
  • Zero trust, infinite faith.

Lessons Learned

• Sometimes, the simplest pipeline—powered by faith and a clean CLI—is the most reliable.
• Avoid idol-ware and always check your cloud provider’s SLA with the divine.

“If your deployment can’t call down fire, maybe it’s time to switch clouds.”