🏇 Postmortem: The Day the Four Horsemen Ran the Standup
Incident Timestamp: 2025-07-23 09:00 UTC Location: ApocalypseOps Slack Channel Reported By: HeavenOps SRE Team
📝 Standup Log
War: “Merge conflict detected in every branch. All code reviews escalated to flame wars.”
Famine: “Resource quotas exceeded. All containers starved. No memory, no disk, no hope.”
Pestilence: “CI pipeline infected. Malware outbreak in every build. All tests now flake.”
Death: “Data loss event. /dev/null is now the only persistent volume. Decommissioning all legacy services.”
😱 Team Responses
- Lead Dev: “Can we roll back to before the horsemen joined?”
- QA: “Is there a test for the apocalypse?”
- PM: “Can we reschedule the end of the world for next sprint?”
- Intern: “Do I still get paid if the repo is gone?”
🛠️ Mitigation Steps
- Attempted to deploy empathy middleware. Failed: War blocked all PRs.
- Tried to scale up resources. Famine throttled all nodes.
- Ran antivirus. Pestilence disabled all security plugins.
- Restored from backup. Death deleted all snapshots.
📉 Impact & Lessons Learned
- Chaos engineering is not a substitute for actual chaos.
- Always check attendee list before inviting Horsemen to standup.
- Next time, enable “apocalypse mode” in incident response playbook.
Incident closed. Awaiting next cosmic deployment window.