🏇 Postmortem: The Day the Four Horsemen Ran the Standup

Incident Timestamp: 2025-07-23 09:00 UTC Location: ApocalypseOps Slack Channel Reported By: HeavenOps SRE Team

📝 Standup Log

• War ⚔️ “Merge conflict detected in every branch. All code reviews escalated to flame wars.”
• Famine 🍞 “Resource quotas exceeded. All containers starved. No memory, no disk, no hope.”
• Pestilence 🦠 “CI pipeline infected. Malware outbreak in every build. All tests now flake.”
• Death 💀 “Data loss event. /dev/null is now the only persistent volume. Decommissioning all legacy services.”

😱 Team Responses

• Lead Dev: “Can we roll back to before the horsemen joined?”
• QA: “Is there a test for the apocalypse?”
• PM: “Can we reschedule the end of the world for next sprint?”
• Intern: “Do I still get paid if the repo is gone?”

🛠️ Mitigation Steps

• Attempted to deploy empathy middleware. Failed: War blocked all PRs.
• Tried to scale up resources. Famine throttled all nodes.
• Ran antivirus. Pestilence disabled all security plugins.
• Restored from backup. Death deleted all snapshots.

📉 Impact & Lessons Learned

• Chaos engineering is not a substitute for actual chaos.
• Always check attendee list before inviting Horsemen to standup.
• Next time, enable “apocalypse mode” in incident response playbook.

Incident closed. Awaiting next cosmic deployment window.

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