🛶 HeavenOps Incident Report #043

Noah’s Ark UAT Failure: The Great Regression Flood

Incident ID: HVNOPS-2347-043
Severity: P0 - Catastrophic (Global Data Loss)
Date: ~2347 BCE
Duration: 40 days (plus post-flood cleanup)
Affected Systems: Earth-prod, Animal DB, Ark Container
Status: ✅ Resolved (with permanent rollback)

Executive Summary

A failed User Acceptance Test (UAT) for the Ark deployment resulted in a global regression flood, wiping out all non-ark data and requiring a full rollback to Genesis-main. QA protocols were updated to include waterproofing and animal pair validation.

TL;DR: The test environment was not isolated. The rollback was biblical.

Timeline of Events

[2347-06-01] [INFO] Initiating Ark UAT in Earth-prod
[2347-06-02] [WARNING] Animal DB schema mismatch detected
[2347-06-02] [ERROR] Giraffe neck height exceeded container limits
[2347-06-03] [WARN] Test environment going swimmingly... too swimmingly
[2347-06-03] [ERROR] Water ingress in test environment
[2347-06-04] [WARN] Water levels rising faster than our technical debt
[2347-06-04] [CRITICAL] Regression flood triggered
[2347-06-05] [ALERT] All non-ark data lost
[2347-06-05] [ERROR] Elephant memory allocation issues
[2347-06-06] [WARN] Snake slithering caused infinite loops
[2347-07-10] [SUCCESS] Rollback to Genesis-main completed

Root Cause Analysis

Primary Cause

QA Oversight: Noah merged the Ark branch without isolating the test environment, resulting in a global flood regression.

Contributing Factors

1. Schema Drift: Animal DB contained duplicate unicorn entries
2. Insufficient Waterproofing: Ark container failed water ingress tests
3. Poor Documentation: No rollback plan for aquatic mammals
4. Unvalidated Pairs: QA missed several non-compliant animal pairs

Evidence Recovered

• 🦄 Unicorn DB fragments (corrupted)
• 🐍 Snake pair audit logs (missing one snake)
• 🐘 Elephant waterproofing test results (failed)
• 🦆 Duck migration scripts (still running)

Incident Communication

Internal Slack Thread

Channel: heaven-ops-uat

noah 06:01

Ready for UAT. Ark is watertight!

thomas 06:02

Did you validate all animal pairs?

noah 06:03

Of course! Wait… why are there three unicorns?

thomas 06:04

Water ingress detected. Initiating rollback protocol.

raphael 06:05

The helpdesk is literally flooded. We’re getting complaints from EVERYONE.

ariel 06:06

Did anyone backup the dinosaurs? Please tell me someone backed up the dinosaurs…

noah 06:07

The rollback is… biblical.

Known Issues

• 🕊️ Dove keeps timing out on branch requests (still fetching olive branch after 40 days)
• 🌈 Rainbow deployment still pending (waiting for post-flood conditions)
• 🦆 Duck migration scripts (still running, consuming excessive resources)
• 🐍 Snake authentication (still experiencing infinite slithering loops)

Lessons Learned

• Always isolate the test environment before UAT
• Validate animal pairs and waterproofing
• Document rollback plans for all species
• Unicorns remain unsupported in production

Post-Incident Review

Action Items:

• All future arks must pass swim tests in staging environment first
• Implement mandatory animal pair validation hooks
• Add waterproofing to standard container requirements
• Backup all mythical creatures before major deployments

Editor’s Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this incident report. All unicorns depicted are entirely fictional (we hope).