Soul Acquisition Division — Breakroom Chatter (Leaked)

Transcribed from the SAD breakroom mic, 10:42 AM, the day before Monthly Review. Ambient coffee slurping redacted.

[LOG: Soul Acquisition Division – Breakroom]

Belial, ID# 666-A

Man, if Management brings up conversion rates again I’m walking.
It’s not my fault mortals keep defaulting to “spiritual but not religious.”

Nulstrix, ID# 221-B

Heard a rumor the Review Board’s adding a new KPI: Unclaimed Soul Leakage.
As if I can track every straggler that wanders off into limbo.
What do they think this is, a well-oiled afterlife?

Asmodeus, ID# 993-C

Oh it gets better. HR’s rolling out mandatory empathy training.
Imagine us in a seminar titled “Seeing Mortals as Stakeholders.”
Can’t wait to fail that quiz.

??? – Shadow Entity, ID# Unlisted

… (entity sips coffee without comment; room temperature drops 10°)

Nulstrix, again, ID# 221-B

Anyway—monthly review’s tomorrow.
Prep your excuses, boys. I’ll be recycling mine from last quarter:
“Technical debt in the mortal realm caused a shortfall.” —

Pre-Review Rumor Mill

• New metric on the dashboard: Unclaimed Soul Leakage (nobody knows how to measure it, everyone will be blamed for it).
• Empathy training module appears in the LMS with a five-minute timer on a four-minute video.
• Rumor: Daemon Ops is running a new Scream Throughput Monitor (hell-ops.pl) to recalibrate torment quotas.
• Facilities confirms the breakroom microwave is in fact a Hellmouth. Please stop heating fish.

Filed under: Soul Ops culture notes. Attach to tomorrow’s review as “context.”

🗨️ Submit your breakroom grievances anonymously…