💼 Daemon Slack Leak: Soul Acquisition Division

Recovered from /logs/daemon/slack/soul_ops_666.txt after a corrupted spreadsheet triggered a ritual margin call.

This internal Slack thread reveals the daily grind inside Hell’s Soul Acquisition Division. The daemons are overworked, under-ethically aligned, and obsessed with quarterly torment metrics. Think Wall Street, but with more screaming.

📝 Internal Slack Leak: Soul Ops Division

Channel: soul-ops

Mammon 09:01

Q3 soul intake down 2.7%.

Belial 09:02

unacceptable. optimize funnel.

Nulstrix 09:03

suffering metrics stable. remorse conversion dipped.

Belphagor 09:04

i forgot to harvest yesterday

PatchRot 09:05

again??

Belphagor 09:06

i was journaling. self-care is sacred.

Channel: soul-ops

Glitchriel 09:07

accidentally summoned a compliance audit

Belial 09:08

HOW

Glitchriel 09:09

i typo’d ‘soulstream’ as ‘soulscream’

Asmodeus 09:10

that’s a deprecated torment protocol

Mammon 09:11

we’ll monetize it

Channel: soul-ops

PatchRot 09:12

new soul batch arrived. mostly tech bros.

Nulstrix 09:13

high ego, low empathy. ideal candidates.

Belial 09:14

assign to the ‘infinite onboarding’ chamber

Belphagor 09:15

i’ll run a vibe check first

Asmodeus 09:16

add a loading spinner that never resolves

Channel: soul-ops

Mammon 09:17

torture scripts outdated

Belial 09:18

update to v4.2. includes passive-aggressive UI

Nulstrix 09:19

new feature: ‘submit feedback’ button that loops forever

Asmodeus 09:20

also added ‘unsubscribe’ link that triggers a scream

Channel: soul-ops

Glitchriel 09:21

soul #882 tried to unionize

Belial 09:22

send to HR

PatchRot 09:23

HR = Hell’s Recalibration

Nulstrix 09:24

recalibration complete. soul now believes suffering is networking

Channel: soul-ops

Belphagor 09:25

lunch?

Mammon 09:26

souls are lunch

Belphagor 09:27

i meant vibes

Nulstrix 09:28

consuming ambient dread. very nourishing.

Channel: soul-ops

PatchRot 09:29

Q4 goals?

Mammon 09:30

increase soul intake by 6%.

Belial 09:31

optimize torment throughput.

Nulstrix 09:32

launch new funnel: ‘free trial of eternal regret’

Belphagor 09:33

i’ll design the landing page. it’ll be very beige.

Channel: soul-ops

Asmodeus 09:34

reminder: all torment scripts must be cruelty-compliant

Belial 09:35

cruelty is a spectrum. we aim for tasteful agony

Glitchriel 09:36

i added emojis to the suffering dashboard

Mammon 09:37

good. investors love metrics with faces

📎 Attached Files

• Q3_soul_metrics.xlsx
• torment_script_v4.2.md
• suffering_dashboard_emojis.png

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